What shapes you as a leader?

Here’s something that might surprise you…

I've been doing quite a bit of personal research lately (including working with my therapist), and something fascinating has caught my attention. Among all the things that shape us as leaders - our experiences, our training, our successes and cock-ups - there's something else at play that we might not have considered.

How we were treated as a child.

Yes, that’s right; how you were treated as a child can shape how you are as a leader.

🤯Mind blown, right?

It comes down to something called attachment theory. The idea is that the bonds we form with the people who cared for us as children create patterns for how we relate to others for the rest of our lives. Psychologists usually describe four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised), and yes, they follow us into work.

Before you worry that I have gone all therapeutic on you, hear me out. I'm not a therapist (important disclaimer there!), but I have been exploring how our early attachment styles might show up in how we lead. And it's really interesting. If you've read my content or heard me speak before, you'll know I love backing up my work with science and research - it's that non-fluffy approach that helps make complex ideas practical and useful.  We know that race, culture, gender and many other characteristics shape who we are as leaders.  But so does our childhood.

According to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), in 2022 about 1 in 6 adults in the UK had had counselling or therapy. For those of us who have, this might not be new news. But for the other 83% who haven't (yet!), stick with me - this could shed some light on a few things.

Think about it as just one of the many pieces of the leadership puzzle. Like any good military operation (yep, pulling from my Navy days here), understanding the terrain can be pretty useful. In this case, the terrain just happens to be us.  Specifically, what's going on between our ears.

Attachment styles in leadership

Different attachment styles tend to show up in pretty distinct ways in leadership. Let me paint you a picture of how these might look in practice.

Leaders with a secure attachment style tend to be what many would consider "natural" leaders. They're typically good at building trust and aren't afraid to give honest feedback - both the good and the challenging bits. These are the leaders who genuinely care about their team's wellbeing and development, and you'll notice they seem equally comfortable whether they're working independently or collaborating with others. They're often brilliant at creating those psychologically safe environments we all bang on about.  They’re also ‘low ego’ in their approach.  You’ll be able to tell them bad things without triggering some negative (maybe shame-based) response.

Then we've got our leaders with an anxious attachment style. These folks are often high performers who are constantly looking for ways to improve - both themselves and their teams. They might struggle to give challenging feedback because they're worried about damaging relationships. You might find them people-pleasing rather than leading and regularly looking for approval. Their strength is that they are absolutely excellent at spotting areas for development, especially in themselves!  But, they can appear ‘needy’ and you’re always stroking their egos.  #exhausting

Leaders with an avoidant attachment style bring their own unique strengths to the table. These are your go-to people in a crisis - cool heads, clear thinking, get-it-done types. They're strongly results-focused and brilliant at independent decision-making. The flip side is that they might keep their emotional distance from the team, preferring to focus on tasks rather than relationships.  To you, they appear cold and aloof.  Maybe they don’t seem to care about the ‘human you’.  They’re all task, task, task.  Or worse, they take ages to stop being angry/upset etc and you feel like you’re on eggshells for a month after a ‘tricky’ moment in the office.

And then we have our leaders with a disorganised attachment style, who might find themselves switching between anxious and avoidant patterns. Their teams might find them a bit unpredictable - warm and engaging one day, distant and task-focused the next. Like every style, it comes with strengths too. These leaders can be highly adaptable, and once they understand their patterns, that flexibility can become a real asset.

The key thing to remember is that none of these patterns define you completely. This isn't about giving ourselves another stick to beat ourselves up with (Lord knows we leaders are good enough at that already). It's about getting curious, about understanding that sometimes what happened 'over here' shapes how we're being 'over there'.

The impact on your team

Your attachment style can directly influence how psychologically safe your team feels. Think about it - do your team members feel comfortable bringing problems to you? Can they challenge your ideas without fear? Do they know what to expect from you day to day? Are they confident in taking risks and making mistakes?

This can be especially tricky if you're switching between different patterns (hello, disorganised attachment!) or if you're not aware of how your style impacts others.

What you can do about it

So, here's my invitation to you. Get curious about your own leadership style. What patterns do you notice? What felt familiar in what you've just read?

A few places to start. Notice the moments when you react more strongly than the situation deserves, because they're often a clue. Ask a couple of people you trust how you come across when things get tricky (yes, I know, gulp). And if you want to read more about attachment styles, The Attachment Project has some great free resources.

None of this is about labelling yourself or fixing what isn't broken. It's about understanding yourself better so you can lead better.

Want to explore this further?

If something in here felt a bit familiar, I'd love to hear about it. Drop me a message and tell me which style you recognised in yourself (or your boss!). No pressure, no hard sell, and no therapy couch required. 😉

And if you'd like to dig into how your leadership style is landing with your team, book a free call and we can talk it through. It's often where the real changes begin, whether that's for you or your whole leadership team.

Reference: British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) 2022 UK Survey